life is blessed.

Last Week....
Me:  cry out in frustration
My Peeps:  rally. send up please blesses.
Windows of Heaven:  OPEN
Blessings:  pour down
Me:  fill with gratitude.  know that I am loved and life is blessed

Things work.  Thank you.  More later.  Work to get to.

The vent.

Is it a grand idea to blog when I'm feeling some what down in the dumps?
Probably not.
Am I going to do it any way?
Probably yup.

I'm feeling worn out.  Tired.  Sometimes (most times actually) I deal with poverty well.
And other times...not so much.
So there.  I'm human.
I just want to feel "normal" sometimes.  What ever "normal" is.
I don't want to tell my kids no or later to everything they ask about.  And they aren't asking for much...face wash, a couple dollars here or there for this or that, toothpaste -for sensitive teeth.
I want to walk in the grocery store and just, you know...buy food.
Its been so long since I just put food in the cart I can't even remember what it feels like.
Everything I put in the cart is added up in my head and I know exactly what I can spend and I do not go over.  I can't go over.  There is no 'blowing the budget'.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually a good thing to know how to stick to a budget, I'm just tired.
I'd like to pick up something frivolous like cold cereal, bananas, yogurt or pudding for the kids.
You know, spend more than $20/week.  Cuz that's what I spend.
Well that's what I'm spending lately.
Mike's only been working one day/week and frankly it's not enough.
Just doesn't cut the mustard.
It's barely enough to keep gas in the car to get to and from work let alone pay bills or buy fancy things like meat or peanut butter.
Grrr, just frustrated here.
And btw, I think I need to stay out of public as much as possible.  Really, it makes me feel so much worse.  People are just being normal people doing normal people things and talking about normal people stuff.  But sometimes I just want to scream...Really?  REALLY??  Does any member of your household have a full time job?  Because my dearest and I TOGETHER do not have a full time job.  PAH-LEASE.
I feel like I am in a sinking ship and I am tired of bailing out the water.

Okay, deep breath here.
Deep breath in and out.
In and out.
In and out.

Its just gotten really hard this last little while.  As long as Mike works about three days a week we can stay on top of things.  But we need those three days.  And we are not getting them.

I am working longer shifts right now and we will get our taxes all figured out and hopefully get a lovely little return.

But none of that is now.  I only get paid once a month so it'll be a good six weeks before we see the effects of a longer shift and our taxes are slower than I anticipated. Although, I can't complain there...one of the nicest people in the whole wide world takes care of our taxes and I understand that we are not top priority.  I'm just feeling anxious. And I'm not a good waiter.

I am not a good waiter AT ALL.  Truth be told I hate and I do mean HATE living my life in 'The Waiting Place'.  The waiting place is killing me right now.  It is a slow and painful death.

Okay, enough weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Oh, and we do have a plan.  Or the beginnings of a plan.
Things will all work out in the end, it's just not the end yet.
Thank Goodness for that.

One more thing, I know I need to get a grip.
I will.  I just needed a moment to vent.
Don't really want to complain to Mikey.  He is already painfully aware of the situation.
So thanks for letting me release.
I need to feel the love.

Peace out.

A thousand drops of water.

We all know I'm not so techno savvy, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I haven't changed much on my phone since I got it.  

The setting it came with to notify me of a text or a post on my face book wall is a drop of water.  

My birthday was filled with the sound of water drops.  

The drops of water started at 5:30 in the AM and didn't stop until, well...after I feel asleep that night.  

I felt loved.  It was a good day.

And because I have very little shame I will share with you the photos my kiddos took to remember the day....

 

Aren't I a beauty?

Yes, I still had to go to work on the big day...

that's okay, we had cupcakes for lunch.

 

  

Awaiting the big b-day gift reveal.

Mikey and the kids gave me an electric blanket.

Umm, hello?!? 

Best thing ever.

EVER.

When I say EVER I mean really EVER,

like...where have you been all my life?

And btw doesn't Mike look so excited for me to open it?

He loves me.

 

  

This pic is to document that I have matches on my cake.

Classy.

Nothing says party like burning the house down with 38 matches.

(and just in case any of the pack of chicks are reading 

and/or wondering...

yes, that is indeed the shirt from our wicked trip a 

mere 5+ years ago. what? I like it)

 

And finally we have my super awesome cake.

One of my YW made it for me.

Chocolate Goodness.

I said I like chocolate and she delivered.

The punks made and decorated sugar cookies while I was at work,

but we didn't get a picture of the 

"Happy B-day Mom!"

cookie line up.

It was pretty great.

A good day all around.

38...here I come.

Guess Who....??

Up until about three weeks ago when she read one

of her highschool besties

blog about this bestie's daughter

talking about her mother

turning 38

this year

actually thought she was turning 

37 

this year?

As in, she's been 36 for the

last eleven months

and will be celebrating

her 37th birthday in just two days.

Not, that she has been 37 for the last 

eleven months and is turning the

ripe old age of 

38

in a mere two days. 

Guess who??

Come on, just guess!!

Umm...did you guess this girl:

Cuz, you'd be right!

And that's what my face looked like 

when I realized I've been thinking I

was 36 all this time.

Peeps, I've aged a year in just three weeks.

 

Hello!?!
It's a crying shame to need to age so quickly.
Maybe if I thought about my age a little more 

often these sorts of things

wouldn't be such a shock to me.

But, you know how it is...

once you reach a certain point in life 

you just don't really think about how old you

are on a regular basis.

(p.s. that 'point in life' being when people quit
asking or guessing cuz they assume it's
just not something they should
bring up--cuz YOUR OLD)

 

Eh, well.

I spose I can rock 38 

just as well as I could rock 

37 the second time around.

My beef with toilet paper holders.

I know, this is totally random.
I know, really I do--that probably nobody is loosing any sleep wondering about my beef with toilet paper holders.
But...this is my blog so here I go:

Granted, I don't get out much.  That's no secret.  In fact, Walmart, Sam's Club and Home Depot are about the extent of my store venturing.  And I only go to Home Depot with Mikey on our super hot dates, cuz we're cool and awesome like that (and yes, running errands is the date).

Here is my observation about public restrooms, all the toilet paper holders are hung so as to dispense the paper at toilet seat level...or below.   Do you get what I'm saying here?  Too low, People.  TOO LOW.

Now, I do understand that I am a wee bit taller than the average gal.  But, when we are sitting down aren't we all roughly the same?  Really, who needs the toilet paper that low?

Not a big fan of the bending way over to retrieve the toilet paper.
Just sayin'.

 FYI saying just sayin' drives Mike crazy.  If you ever want to make him a little nuts just say just sayin' after you say something.  It's pretty entertaining.  Actually, he mostly hates it because it is slightly overused by our eldest child.
Just sayin'.

And just so you have a real firm grip on how totally random this is, I haven't even been to Logan (where all these fancy stores are located) for almost 2 weeks.

Hello??  Random City, population: farmgirl.

And while we are discussing randomness, how did I ever become so popular?  I am smart enough to know that if I want to blog I should get it done while the punks are at school, but I figured this would only take a minute--which, btw, it would of if I hadn't been interrupted a minimum of 74 times.  And how do they know I am doing something?  Or I'm on the phone?

I swear if I sat and watched dust collect on the shelf nobody would say Boo to me, but the second I make a move toward something I need a little concentration for --BAM-- Miss Popularity.

See, I always knew Class of '93 lacked vision.  I'm totally Most Popular material.

p.s.

i am so glad you can

all embrace the crazy

that lives in my

brain and love

me any way

:o) Peace out.

The blessings of Poverty.

First of all let me share with you what Wikipedia has to say about Poverty.

Poverty is the state of one who lacks a certain 
amount of material possessions or money.

According to good old Wik, I think we may qualify.  We've been here for a while.  Things have ebbed and flowed a bit over the last four years, but we have definitely 'lacked a certain amount of material possessions or money' since we lost Mike's full time employment.

While this has been hard -really hard- it's also been good -really good.  The difference between wants and needs is crystal clear, and honestly most things are wants.  And, yes, you will survive without them.  When I think about all the things my kids don't have and don't do and all the things we don't do and we don't have I have often wondered...if I had the resources to do all sorts of stuff, would I have the wisdom to choose wisely?  I think at this point the answer is Yes, at least I hope I would.  Really, the greatest tragedy in life is to have the experience and miss the lesson.

And, WoW, have we learned some lessons.  I've always known I have some pretty great punks.  Hello?  Who doesn't know that?  Well, for FHE last night Mike was giving the lesson and he decided to talk to the kiddies about money.  More specifically about what to do with money when it comes to you...like our tax return.  It will be a pretty big sum of money (by our standards) so he wanted to show them how he and I figure out what to do with it.  So we made a list.  *Little disclaimer here, the kids weren't deciding anything, this was just a way to show them how it's done.  Decisions are up to us.*  He told them we would make a list of all the things we would like to do with that money, he got out the old white board and they started calling out items.  Here's the great part, the really amazing part...

First on the list was give to the mission fund in our ward.  Next was give to Adam's mission fund (a while back Adam was feeling overwhelmed thinking about affording his mission, so we told him if he could just try to earn the money to prepare--suits, clothes, ect--we would worry about keeping him out in the mission field).  Next was fix the door handles on Mike's truck--bare in mind that this is the driver handle, not the passenger--where they ride.  (The back driver's seat handle is broken on the suburban, but they decided we didn't need to spend money on that--it could wait even though it is them that it inconveniences).  They did put a bigger TV for downstairs on the list, but removed it when we told them that if we saved up we could buy one for half the price on Black Friday.  These are just a few of the things they thought of.

And when I asked if there was anything they wanted just for them, something they needed or just for fun the answers were a new viola bow, milking boots, socks and pudding snacks.

Amazing, right?  I have really great punks.  I know it's been a hard, long road for them too, but they DO NOT complain about it.  Ever.  I'm just really blessed and awfully lucky.

*Just to be clear here: I'm not writing this to get a 'poor me' line of thinking going, nor am I judging what is a want or need for someone else.

I'm writing this to share with the world that in the midst of  hard things,
really good things can come about.

**And to brag on my stinkin' awesome, super amazing cute punks.

:o)  Peace Out.

A Novel Idea.

My friends, I'm afraid I've been thinking...a dangerous pass time...I know.
In the midst of my thinking I had this thought,

"What if I ate only when I am hungry?"

Crazy, right?  Here's the story that prompted this line of thinking:
I was cleaning up dinner the other night and there was a little bit of something
(I honestly can't remember what) left and I asked Mike if he wanted it---he declined, said he was full, said he wasn't hungry any more.

Here's the thing...if Mike didn't want it I was planning on eating it. 
I wasn't hungry any more either, I was full. 
But it tasted good. 
So I was going to eat it. 
Which I did. 
And that got me started thinking about eating.
I don't think I eat because I'm hungry very often.

I eat because it's there and I'm there.  I eat because it tastes good. 
I eat when I'm happy.  I eat when I'm not happy.  I eat when I'm bored. 
I eat when I'm frazzled and frustrated.

So...
What if I ate only when I am hungry?
It's kind of a game changer.  A novel idea, really.

Now, I'm not saying this is my plan from here on out.  Let's be reasonable. 
I don't see myself doing that.
But, what if I did it some times?
What if I took time to think about why I'm eating if it's not because I'm hungry?
I've openly admitted to being an emotional eater.
...and btw it doesn't really matter what the emotion is.

What if I got a drink and dealt with the emotion instead of feeding it?
Maybe that means I write more, maybe that means I read more.
Maybe that means I just drink a whole lot more water.

I don't know, but I've been thinking about it.
Maybe I'll give it a whirl??

Chocolates 2012

Okey doke...here we go.   

Lesson learned...big people in the back, even in a self portrait.

Have I mentioned my mom is a tiny lady and I look like a giant next to her?

No?  Well she is and I do.

anyhoo...

 So, she's the candy maker.

 Like this.

Then we pour it out.

Like this.

And I was the candy beater, well when I was there..
as you can tell by my lovely attire I still had to go to work.
I know, hardly fair.  Chocolates should be a national holiday.

Chocolate dipping.

 Yum, warm melted goodness.
See all those hands?

That's the help.

 We have really cute assistants.

Some of the finished product.

 

 

Even when we "cut back" there's still a lot.

Mmmm...finger lickin' good.

Don't worry, I was done for the day.
;o)

Chocolates 2012.

A tasty thing.

Fun in the Sun.

Okay, so sure it was only 5 degrees above zero, and sure we waited until afternoon for it to even be that...but the sun was shining.  Therefore I am naming this post "Fun in the Sun".

It's funny how warped your sense of temperature gets in extremes.  It's like when we lived in the St. G and it would only be 97* and I'd gather up the kiddies and head to the park.  That's not normal.  Or really a great idea, but when it's down from 112*...eh, 97* seems real nice. 

And when it's up from -20
(that's right, negative 20 as in, 20 below zero as in, here's zero go 20 degrees less than that and that's what the temperature is, -20) 

...eh, 5* seems real nice.

There it was a balmy 5* Saturday afternoon so we decided to try out the ice skating pond.  The ice skating pond is a creek, Worm Creek to be exact, that runs through my dad's farmland.  When it gets cold enough (and -20 qualifies as cold enough) it freezes over solid as a rock and ~voila~ ice skating pond.

Most of the kids were old pros, this was a first for my little ladies.  There wasn't enough skates to go around so they had to take some turns.  Goose used to have a pair of roller blades so she caught on really quick.

 For Elsie, it was a bit more of a challenge.

 At first she was holding on to her sister for dear life.

 She took more than a couple of falls.

 But with a little help from the crowd...

Eventually, she prevailed. 

Sometimes you just gotta help a sista out.

Aunt Natalie and Grandma enjoying the fun.

Grandma sporting her super warm and toasty circa 1983 coat and super cute hat..

frankly, I'm a little jealous of both.

 Some of the little ones just got pulled around the ice on the sled,

oh wait---(that's me)---apparently some of the big ones too.

But, hey, when you have a sherpa brother willing to pull you with the kiddies--

you jump right on!

There were a few other activities going on as well...

Like discovering an ancient tractor buried in the snow to ride on.

And there was some sledding to be done. 

Unfortunately, the end of the run happened to be on the ice.

Not a very soft landing.

As demonstrated by Grant and William.

We even got a little fire going.

Me & My Boy.

I assure you Mr. Grant Delish was smiling under there.

It was a fun afternoon.

And, yes, it was a might bit chilly. 

(frozen hair to prove it)

But we stayed and enjoyed it as long as possible.

A good time was had by all.

Here comes the Sun.

I know I already posted this picture, but it is fitting for the day.
Happy winter solstice.

And for how I have been feeling.

Here comes the sun 
Here comes the sun, and I say  
It's all right
Little darling 
It's been a long, cold lonely winter 
Little darling 
It feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun, and I say 
It's all right
Little darling  
The smiles returning to the faces 
Little darling 
It seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun 
Here comes the sun, and I say 
It's all right
Little darling I feel that ice is slowly melting  
Little darling  
It seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun, and I say  
It's all right
Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun  
It's all right  
It's all right

This Holiday season has not been so bad.  I don't know if I was expecting the worst and so anything above that feels fantastic or if it really has been better...but I do know it has a whole lot to do with me. 

Something somewhere, sometime changed.  The change was me.  I changed me.  And changing me changed everything. A bit of a domino effect, I guess.  
And before I knew it--well, 
Little darling Here comes the sun and I say, It's alright.  
And by saying "before I knew it" what I mean is "several years later".
And by saying "I changed me" what I mean is "with a lot of help and support I was able to get a few things through my thick skull".

Life is still not exactly what I would hope for it to be.  Mike and I are still both working part time and filling in the gaps where ever we can.  The punks still drive me crazy.  Every so often I'm pretty sure if the gypsies came through town I would be tempted to sell a child or two.

But, you know what?  We're okay.  
We are happy and healthy and all here together. 
(which is so much more than some families will get to have this Christmas)  

So, I will take it.  I will take the chaos.   
And the scrimping and scrambling.  I will take the fits and the fighting.
I will take the craziness and the complaining.  
I will take the smiles and the tears.

I don't really know why I've been given this particular row to hoe, 
I don't know why you've been given yours.
And I don't know why our parallel rows are so different, 
the ground seems so much harder for some. 
I do know that I'm a hoe to the end of the row kinda gal. 
And so are my peeps. 
I know that hard work and determination make me happy.  
And so does chocolate.
I know that It's alright...or that it will be. 
And I know that if I'm not where I'm at, I'm no where. 
So here I am...and there you are. 

And, look....Here comes the Sun.