The Joyful Week. Day 4

It's actually the beginning of Day 5, but I didn't get to this last night....so here you go.
Day 4:
*No school for the kiddos today.  Our normal 3 day weekend is a 4 day weekend.  Today that was joyful, by Sunday night I might be singing a different song.
*The weather was beautiful.  Started some work in the yard today; planned where we are putting the garden, the kids (mostly Adam) started digging holes for some trees we are transplanting from my mom's. 
I began the project by asking Adam if he had read the book Holes.
 'Yes.' 
Was it a good book? 
'Yes.' 
Did you see the movie? 
'Yes.' 
Did you like the movie? 
'Yes.' 
How would you like a real life experience? 
'Nice, Mom--very sneaky way to get me to dig the holes.' 
Thank you, Dear.  I thought so too.
*The calves were out this morning.  The girls and Grant collected them (and they were quite scattered) and corralled them at the end of the corn pit until we were ready to get them back where they belong. 
*Hard working kids bring me joy.
*Excedrine.  The ability to curb a headache, even for a few hours, brings me joy.  It's already starting to work again this morning....yeah for the good drugs!

That's it for now, off to find the joy for today.
:0)

The Joyful Week. Day 3

So, I've decided my plan for writing about the Joyful Day at the end of the day is not such a great one.  Seriously, by the end of the night I am pooped!  I'm flying solo in the evenings these days, which brings me to my joyful news....
Are you ready??  Are you REALLY ready??
Mike got a part time job.
Can I get a halleluiah?
CAN I GET A HALLELUIAH THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE?!?  
Let me hear you say it!!
It is nothing glamorous, just a forklift driver at Peppridge Farm- working the swing shift.
Really, though, so perfect.
It's not going to wear him out physically, the swing shift means he's not up all night and has a good part of the day to attend to what ever else needs to be done and the pay is actually pretty swell.
Fan-diddly-tastic, right?
Sometimes a gal (and a guy and their kiddos) just need a little something to work out.
And this did. 
This is not the solution to all of our troubles, but it's a start and it feels awfully good.

The Joyful Week. Day 3:  A Paycheck.
(wait, is that when you go work
somewhere and then they pay you?
and then you work some more and
they pay you again? and so on and so forth
....yes?!?....
well, then- this will be great!)

The Joyful Week. Day 2

Sometimes the most joyful part of the day is having it come to a close.
Can I ask you a question?  Has it really only been just over 6 hours since 'The Big Yellow Ticket to Solitude' dropped my chiltlens at my front door?  Really???  Cuz it feels more like 18.
What an afternoon/evening!!  WoW.  That's all I can say.
Oh...and I can also say that I rock.
It's a long story.  A really long story.  The kind I said I wouldn't be divulging here.
But you should know that I rocked it.
At least that's what I think.
But my brain is fried, so I could be wrong on that.
Eh, well.  Either way....tomorrow is another day.

Peace Out.

The Joyful Week. Day 1

Day 1 the Joyful Week:  Success.

I had every intention of writing a little something about the day, but right now I can't really put two thoughts together because there is a computer game (a game that if shut off might kill one of my children...they desperately need me to leave it on! cuz, you know they almost have it all figured out) on mute (but who are we kidding???  mute does not mean NO SOUND, it means just enough sound to bug) and I am also listening to some fairly loud music coming up from the basement.

On the bright side the music isn't too terribly annoying- thank goodness they like classic rock and not rap, could be worse.  And it means I have kids here.  And I like that.

I had a good 2+ solid hours of cleaning today.  That always brings me joy.
I made cookies this afternoon.  Really, when do cookies not bring joy?

So there, cleaning and baking bring me joy.
Everyone who is surprised stand on your head.

p.s.

update on the music from the basement:

word on the street is there was a jam

session going on in the boys room

complete with 5 year old break dancing

and all sorts of other shenanigans.

Glad I ignored it...

I love it when they have fun together.

Cool with being Uncool.

So, I've been noticing something...I don't think regular old blogs are cool any more.  If you have less than a massive following, it's just not that cool.  So for me, I'm 16 followers down and a thousand left to go???  Am I right?
Regular Old Blogs = Not Cool.

Hhmmm....Well, here's my thoughts on that:

First of all, I've never been a really cool person anyway.  I mean, I'm cool in my own kinda quirky way, but quirky does not equal cool.  Don't get me wrong I would choose quirky over cool any day of the week and twice on Monday (the day you know your getting a treat thanks to FHE).  Remember?  I'm the girl who thinks cleaning is cool.  So I'm no judge of what's cool and what's not.
And, BTW just the fact that I am now noticing that maybe regular old blogs are not so cool means they have probably not been cool for quite some time, cuz I'm just that uncool.
Guess what?  I don't want 1,016 followers.  That sounds like too much work and not nearly enough anonymity so that's not what I'm saying...or thinking.  I guess I'm wondering why do I blog?  It's not to be cool.  We've already established that.  And it's not to make a family blog book, which I think is really cool and a great reason to blog.  I think I blog just to blabber randomly.  Is blabbering cool?  I think it's quirky, so I suppose that fits.
The truth is my blabbering has had to change a bit.  My life has not been what I anticipated, my kids are getting older and I just don't feel right about publicizing all the craziness that goes on around here (although I have thought of an "Alias Mom Blog").  So if I don't divulge all of the stories of raising 5 kids ranging from 16 to 5, and believe me there are plenty, and I don't just want to complain, and I'm not using this blog as a way to track our lives all that's left is the random blabberings rattling around in my head.

Things like this:
If your house has a really funky smell and by funky I mean sorta wood stove related but down right stinky, boil water with a bit of vinegar in it and it will neutralize smells in your house. IT WORKS.  Cooking bacon and don't want to know you cooked bacon three days from now by the smell in your house??  Boil water and vinegar.  It's awesome.  Almost as good as cleaning the bathroom with rubbing alcohol.  Yes, it's that awesome.
And:
If you take your kids sledding and underestimate the damage the sun can cause to your fair skinned child's face, and said child wakes up with a swollen face and eyes that she can barely open cake it with mustard and let it sit for 15 minutes.  Do that right after you enter the mother of the year award. (Let the record show that I DID put sunscreen on the little hoodlums....clearly not enough)

See, random blabbering.  So I think I'm cool with not being cool.
Quirky is cool enough for me.

p.s.

next Sunday I am teaching

a lesson on finding joy now.

my goal is to find as much joy as

I can this week.

...thinking about blogging that randomness.

wish me luck.

p.s.s.

for the record,

I include finding humor

as joy.

otherwise I might die.

Ready or Not, 37....here I am.

Somebody had a Birthday.....I've been 37 for a whole week now so I'm pretty much an expert on the subject.  It's good.  Let's have a little run down of the festivities, shall we??

I kicked it off the weekend before my big day.  My mom and sisters treated me (and themselves) to a "Queen for a Day" get away.  

 

We went to Salt Lake, got mani's, pedi's and facials, ate at Zupas, chilaxed in the hotel, relaxed in the hot tub, giggled the night away, had a lovely breakfast at Grand America buffet, enjoyed a trip to Ikea and headed home.  It was a super fun trip.

 

Upon my arrival home I found two things waiting for me.  

First, my Honey had been a very busy worker bee and had completed yet another stage of the kitchen remodel.

  

The stove used to be where the fridge is and the fridge was right next to the stove.  You don't really realize how important a little bit of counter space next to the stove is until you don't have it....um, ya it's important.  So, he did a switch-a-roo and built that base cabinet.  He also put an outlet at the island in the kitchen, another big deal for me.  In short, he completed my triangle of power in the kitchen.

I love being married to such a handy guy.

Okay, so I found this picture Adam took at Christmas time to show Sam some of the work we've done...it's the only before picture I have but it kinda gives you an idea of what it looked like before--oh, and btw just on the other side of the stove is the doorway to the hall.  Also not a fan of the stove next to an open doorway, I was always worried about the kids knocking a pan on the floor.

Second thing waiting for me, a package had arrived in the mail.  

It was a gift from my beloved St. George Pack of Chicks, my book group. 

 

 That's right, friends and neighbors, they all pitched in and bought me a Kindle.

Dear Pack of Chicks,

You are all the best.  

You gave me more than the gift of keeping up in book group, 

every time I pick up that sassy-red covered kindle I know you love me.  

And that means an awful lot.

Thank You.

Love Always,

your farmgirl

 On to the big day.  February 8.

Here I am in all my Birthday glory.  

And, yes, in case you were wondering I did not do my hair or even put in my contacts--it's my birthday and I'll look like I want to!  

But don't worry too much, I did get my hair cut the very next day.  

A much needed and much loved cut.

Thanks Amanda!

 

 My mom and I saw this super cute cupcake holder...and she went and bought it for me.

My mom and Amanda made some super fan-diddly-tastic cupcakes.

Can you say peanut butter cup in the middle?

Oh, yes!!  Delish.

Audrey disappeared into her room after school that day.

She reappeared at 7 pm with this new church bag she made for me.

She is a sewing super star thanks to her great aunt.

(and I do mean officially her great aunt, my aunt. 

who really is a GREAT -as in terrific- aunt too!) 

  

 Super cute.  

She knows I have to have a purse with a long strap so I can wear it across  one shoulder, 

so she made me a church bag with the same thing.  I love it.

And...this was actually a Valentine present...Mike made me a recipe box.

He's been selling them on etsy and now I have one of my very own.

Elsie's card absolutely made my day.

Mom is Great So Give Her A Chocolate Cake.

You said it Sister, and don't anybody forget it!

 

The best part is that I look like I am super skinny & I love how my left foot is turned in.

I'm keeping this card right where I can see it every day.

All this plus lots of love and a few more fabulous gifts....

37, I am ready.

BuSt a MoVe

please ignore the super messy boy room

(it doesn't always look like that...

sometimes it's even worse.)

and enjoy some sweet moves.

Good Things.

•  I fixed a dinner last night that all (minus one) of my family LOVED.  Score Me!  Enchilada Layered Casserole, I put it on the Food Blog.

• I updated the ole Food Blog.  Good stuff going on over there. Good things like:  Baking Powder Biscuits, Pancakes, Natalie's Peanut Butter Bars, Bread Sticks, Bean Casserole & Enchilada Layered Casserole.  Yup, I've been a busy girl.

• Me Mum and I found this super cool lamp at the DI.  Only $3!!  Sure it was brass, but that was an easy fix.  Nothing a bit of spray paint couldn't take care of. I love the leaded glass.

• My super-duper-clever-clever-toilet-lever table.  I rearranged my front room after Christmas.  I needed another little something to pull the room together and I came up with this little genius idea.  I used the old milk can I had out on the front porch for the base and a giant sized cutting board Mike made for me forever ago that I am not using right now (not enough counter space in the kitchen) for the top. A little weird?  Maybe.  But I love it.

• The wood burning stove.  My love for this little amenity runs deep and pure.When it's a brisk 0* outside--yes, that's right ZERO!!  I am warm and toasty in my snug little wood burning stove heated abode.

• Hot Chocolate.  There is one thing that is an absolute must for a cup of really good Hot Chocolate...hot cocoa mix from the cannery.  Seriously, it's the best.  The other really important item I'm afraid most of you won't be able to get....raw milk.  It's a great combo.  If the opportunity ever comes along to enjoy some....take it.

• The fact that for the most part Grant entertains himself.  Today his project was a railroad/bridge track.  He was proud as a peacock.  Have I mentioned I adore this kid?

• And for my last "good things" item of the day....Good Peeps.  Listen, here's the deal--I know I'm crazy.  But I'd like to thank you all for not pointing that out to me on a regular basis.

Blog-Journal...or blajournal, if you will.

I don't know that I really plan on posting this. But I do know I tend to think better when I write, so I decided to just get everything that's been rattling around in my head out. So for now I am writing in my Blog Journal--or blajournal. Here goes....

I don't know for sure if I really do battle depression or if these last three years of self/un-employment have just worn me down. Either way I do seem to see a running theme over the last three years: December is an incredibly tough month for me. Remember this? A farmgirl's tale. The fact that it is December, the month of joy and good will to all men really just makes me feel even more guilty that I'm struggling. And it's not because I can't afford some huge amazing Christmas for my kids, because that's just not me.

I think maybe it's the closing of another year, it's the only time of the year that I stop long enough to turn around, look back and think to myself "Really? We are still doing this? How is it we have not learned whatever it is we need to so that we can move past this particular trial?". It makes me tired. I get worn out.

I fight it, really I do. But I seem to have a Summer Home in the Pit of Despair (or winter home, as the case may be). Sometimes the Summer Home just seems easier than my real life--so I go for a short visit and end up staying for a really long time.

And there, in the Pit of Despair, I tell myself things in an attempt to get me to go home, like "For crying out loud! What is wrong with you? You have an amazing family and friends, a roof over your head, nobody is going hungry. You're not the woman who has lost a child, or has cancer, or suffered the death of a spouse, or divorce. What is wrong with you?" But, at the end I always add, "You are so ungrateful." And then I feel even more guilty that I'm the loser that is complaining about such stupid menial things. I feel defeated and I decide to stay for just a little while longer there in the depths of the Pit of Despair.

My visit this year was longer than normal and I ventured deeper than I have before. My sweet beloved, Mikey, even came for a short visit while I was there. But he didn't stay long, because he's good like that.

Almost a week ago is when I was swimming at the bottom of the deep end. I felt alone and forgotten. Not by people, because I have some pretty great people in my life. But just in my life in general. I could not understand why I needed to suffer so much. Was this the plan for me? Why weren't things changing? We had been doing our absolute best. Seriously. Our best. And if I knew how to give up I just might have.

But that's not who I am either.
I'm an Idaho farmgirl and we hoe to the end of the row.
Even if the ground is really hard.

And the thought came to me, "What if it doesn't change? What if the changes I want to happen never do? Am I going to live here in my Summer Home in the Pit of Despair forever? Some how I have got to figure out a way to be happy no matter what."

And that was as far as I got.
For a few days. I was trying to figure out how I was going to be happy if things never changed, if we never did find a steady income. I still cried and felt sad and worried, but at least I was feeling something. I was getting ready to pack my bags.

Let's not forget amongst all of this internal turmoil of me living in my Summer Home in the Pit of Despair that I am still 'Mom' and 'YW president' and 'Wife' and 'friend' and 'sister' and 'daughter'. Thank heaven for all of that. On some level I had to function, because remember? I don't know how to give up entirely.

I had to teach YW's today. I didn't want to. The lesson was on the Atonement. And I was stumped. I know the Atonement, I've felt the blessings of the Atonement in my life many times. But I certainly hadn't been feeling it recently. Not for a while.

And then I realized that wasn't the Lord's fault, it was mine.
He is the constant.
I'm the crazy one.

I told my mom about my struggle with my lesson and she pulled out a book for me to look at. It's called The Gift of the Atonement, favorite writings on the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. And in this book I found a quote she had marked by Sherri Dew (who doesn't love Sherri Dew?) Sister Dew is talking about a particularly difficult trial she had gone through, she says:
"I pleaded with the Lord to change my circumstances, because I knew I could never be happy until he did. Instead, he changed my heart. I asked him to take away my burden, but he strengthened me so that I could bear my burdens with ease."

And that is how I felt. I didn't seem to have any plans of being happy until my circumstances changed, hence the Thumper's Mother post. I had made a deal with the Lord: "I'll be happy when my life is easier. I have tried and tried and tried and I plan to be happy when my circumstances change." I was wrong. I can be happy.
With the Lord's help I can do hard things.
All things are possible to him {or her} that believeth (Mark 9:23).

And another quote by Janet Lee:
"If we expect mountains to move, seas to part, thunder to cease, and blinding light to point the way, we will miss the Savior's offering, his gift of comfort and peace."

I am going to try to stop waiting for the mountains to move, the thunder to cease and the blinding light to point the way. Instead I will try to find a piece of peace every day.
I don't expect it will be easy, worth while things rarely are.
But I am trying.
I still feel raw. And fragile.
But I think that's okay.

Okay, so I've decided to post this.
Cuz, you know, I don't want my peeps
worrying about me.
All 5 of you that still read this any way.
I can't promise cute and clever.
But I will keep at this when
it works for me.
peace out.

Thumper's Mother said it best.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And so, I think I will follow her advice.
I am done here.
At least for now.

I am too tired-too worn out- to put a cute, clever positive spin on my life.
I'll be back when I'm better.