Blog-Journal...or blajournal, if you will.

I don't know that I really plan on posting this. But I do know I tend to think better when I write, so I decided to just get everything that's been rattling around in my head out. So for now I am writing in my Blog Journal--or blajournal. Here goes....

I don't know for sure if I really do battle depression or if these last three years of self/un-employment have just worn me down. Either way I do seem to see a running theme over the last three years: December is an incredibly tough month for me. Remember this? A farmgirl's tale. The fact that it is December, the month of joy and good will to all men really just makes me feel even more guilty that I'm struggling. And it's not because I can't afford some huge amazing Christmas for my kids, because that's just not me.

I think maybe it's the closing of another year, it's the only time of the year that I stop long enough to turn around, look back and think to myself "Really? We are still doing this? How is it we have not learned whatever it is we need to so that we can move past this particular trial?". It makes me tired. I get worn out.

I fight it, really I do. But I seem to have a Summer Home in the Pit of Despair (or winter home, as the case may be). Sometimes the Summer Home just seems easier than my real life--so I go for a short visit and end up staying for a really long time.

And there, in the Pit of Despair, I tell myself things in an attempt to get me to go home, like "For crying out loud! What is wrong with you? You have an amazing family and friends, a roof over your head, nobody is going hungry. You're not the woman who has lost a child, or has cancer, or suffered the death of a spouse, or divorce. What is wrong with you?" But, at the end I always add, "You are so ungrateful." And then I feel even more guilty that I'm the loser that is complaining about such stupid menial things. I feel defeated and I decide to stay for just a little while longer there in the depths of the Pit of Despair.

My visit this year was longer than normal and I ventured deeper than I have before. My sweet beloved, Mikey, even came for a short visit while I was there. But he didn't stay long, because he's good like that.

Almost a week ago is when I was swimming at the bottom of the deep end. I felt alone and forgotten. Not by people, because I have some pretty great people in my life. But just in my life in general. I could not understand why I needed to suffer so much. Was this the plan for me? Why weren't things changing? We had been doing our absolute best. Seriously. Our best. And if I knew how to give up I just might have.

But that's not who I am either.
I'm an Idaho farmgirl and we hoe to the end of the row.
Even if the ground is really hard.

And the thought came to me, "What if it doesn't change? What if the changes I want to happen never do? Am I going to live here in my Summer Home in the Pit of Despair forever? Some how I have got to figure out a way to be happy no matter what."

And that was as far as I got.
For a few days. I was trying to figure out how I was going to be happy if things never changed, if we never did find a steady income. I still cried and felt sad and worried, but at least I was feeling something. I was getting ready to pack my bags.

Let's not forget amongst all of this internal turmoil of me living in my Summer Home in the Pit of Despair that I am still 'Mom' and 'YW president' and 'Wife' and 'friend' and 'sister' and 'daughter'. Thank heaven for all of that. On some level I had to function, because remember? I don't know how to give up entirely.

I had to teach YW's today. I didn't want to. The lesson was on the Atonement. And I was stumped. I know the Atonement, I've felt the blessings of the Atonement in my life many times. But I certainly hadn't been feeling it recently. Not for a while.

And then I realized that wasn't the Lord's fault, it was mine.
He is the constant.
I'm the crazy one.

I told my mom about my struggle with my lesson and she pulled out a book for me to look at. It's called The Gift of the Atonement, favorite writings on the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. And in this book I found a quote she had marked by Sherri Dew (who doesn't love Sherri Dew?) Sister Dew is talking about a particularly difficult trial she had gone through, she says:
"I pleaded with the Lord to change my circumstances, because I knew I could never be happy until he did. Instead, he changed my heart. I asked him to take away my burden, but he strengthened me so that I could bear my burdens with ease."

And that is how I felt. I didn't seem to have any plans of being happy until my circumstances changed, hence the Thumper's Mother post. I had made a deal with the Lord: "I'll be happy when my life is easier. I have tried and tried and tried and I plan to be happy when my circumstances change." I was wrong. I can be happy.
With the Lord's help I can do hard things.
All things are possible to him {or her} that believeth (Mark 9:23).

And another quote by Janet Lee:
"If we expect mountains to move, seas to part, thunder to cease, and blinding light to point the way, we will miss the Savior's offering, his gift of comfort and peace."

I am going to try to stop waiting for the mountains to move, the thunder to cease and the blinding light to point the way. Instead I will try to find a piece of peace every day.
I don't expect it will be easy, worth while things rarely are.
But I am trying.
I still feel raw. And fragile.
But I think that's okay.

Okay, so I've decided to post this.
Cuz, you know, I don't want my peeps
worrying about me.
All 5 of you that still read this any way.
I can't promise cute and clever.
But I will keep at this when
it works for me.
peace out.