You know as parents we all tell them. There's no need to deny it.
Kid: Hey Mom, where's my picture I drew 2 months ago on the back of the Sacrament meeting program? Didn't you save it??
Mom: Oh, gosh Honey...I don't know....I'll keep a look out for it. It's a great picture- what with only 30 others here on the fridge we wouldn't want to loose that one.
Kid: MOM!!! Is this my picture?? Here in the GARBAGE!!??!!
Mom: What?? How did THAT get in THERE?? Sorry, Sweetheart. I'll just put it right back up here.
We all do it. Mike told a doosey yesterday. I may have helped him embellish it a bit...
Here's the story:
Audrey is getting her tonsils out on Tuesday. This is a huge event in her life. She has needed it done for a long time and we are finally getting to it. I have often said that Audrey is an adult trapped in a child's body, and I stand by that statement. When we went to the consultation appointment they gave us a list of medications she couldn't take. Ibuprofen being one of them. The next day Audrey came to me and with a hand on her fore head told me she had a splitting headache, but what with her upcoming surgery and all she just knew she couldn't be taking any Ibuprofen. Oh, the things she suffers!
I received further instruction the other day that she couldn't eat any thing for 12 hours before surgery. Her surgery will be in the morning so one might think- no brainer, just don't eat breakfast- that is in fact the direction from the pre-admit nurse.
Here's the issue ~ Audrey is an eater. The girl is rail thin, but she really does put the food away. Not only is she an eater, she is a night eater. She has gotten up during the night and eaten since the time she was out of a crib and physically able to do so. Apparently she just needs a little some thing to get her through the night. In the last couple of months the fridge and pantry have been in lock down (from the two year old). The problem? Audrey has also been known to have a few reserves in her room; candy, left over sack lunches, stake and potatoes...
So, I'm telling Mike that I'm worried about her not eating during the night on Monday. I was saying we are really going to need to talk to her to make sure she doesn't eat during the night. Mike turned on his heel and went directly to Audrey and told her that she wasn't supposed to eat any thing, that her stomach had to be completely empty, that when they put her to sleep everything in her body goes to sleep and if she eats anything she will poop all over the operating table and every one in the room will be grossed out and laugh and then they will all tell her about it when she wakes up. Being the awesome mother that I am I then told her that we would tell Adam and he would tell all of his friends.
Mike said it so convincingly that I had to ask him later if that is actually the truth. He said he had no idea but he didn't think we would need to worry about her sneaking any food during the night.
I think he might be right.
It would appear that we have adopted the "Horrify your child into Obedience" parenting tactic. I think between that and the Weston's "Kicking your child into Submission" method we pretty much have this parenting thing covered.
Maybe we could hold a seminar for any one who might be interested?
Kid: Hey Mom, where's my picture I drew 2 months ago on the back of the Sacrament meeting program? Didn't you save it??
Mom: Oh, gosh Honey...I don't know....I'll keep a look out for it. It's a great picture- what with only 30 others here on the fridge we wouldn't want to loose that one.
Kid: MOM!!! Is this my picture?? Here in the GARBAGE!!??!!
Mom: What?? How did THAT get in THERE?? Sorry, Sweetheart. I'll just put it right back up here.
We all do it. Mike told a doosey yesterday. I may have helped him embellish it a bit...
Here's the story:
Audrey is getting her tonsils out on Tuesday. This is a huge event in her life. She has needed it done for a long time and we are finally getting to it. I have often said that Audrey is an adult trapped in a child's body, and I stand by that statement. When we went to the consultation appointment they gave us a list of medications she couldn't take. Ibuprofen being one of them. The next day Audrey came to me and with a hand on her fore head told me she had a splitting headache, but what with her upcoming surgery and all she just knew she couldn't be taking any Ibuprofen. Oh, the things she suffers!
I received further instruction the other day that she couldn't eat any thing for 12 hours before surgery. Her surgery will be in the morning so one might think- no brainer, just don't eat breakfast- that is in fact the direction from the pre-admit nurse.
Here's the issue ~ Audrey is an eater. The girl is rail thin, but she really does put the food away. Not only is she an eater, she is a night eater. She has gotten up during the night and eaten since the time she was out of a crib and physically able to do so. Apparently she just needs a little some thing to get her through the night. In the last couple of months the fridge and pantry have been in lock down (from the two year old). The problem? Audrey has also been known to have a few reserves in her room; candy, left over sack lunches, stake and potatoes...
So, I'm telling Mike that I'm worried about her not eating during the night on Monday. I was saying we are really going to need to talk to her to make sure she doesn't eat during the night. Mike turned on his heel and went directly to Audrey and told her that she wasn't supposed to eat any thing, that her stomach had to be completely empty, that when they put her to sleep everything in her body goes to sleep and if she eats anything she will poop all over the operating table and every one in the room will be grossed out and laugh and then they will all tell her about it when she wakes up. Being the awesome mother that I am I then told her that we would tell Adam and he would tell all of his friends.
Mike said it so convincingly that I had to ask him later if that is actually the truth. He said he had no idea but he didn't think we would need to worry about her sneaking any food during the night.
I think he might be right.
It would appear that we have adopted the "Horrify your child into Obedience" parenting tactic. I think between that and the Weston's "Kicking your child into Submission" method we pretty much have this parenting thing covered.
Maybe we could hold a seminar for any one who might be interested?
11 comments:
I am laughing HYSTERICALLY right now. That is too funny. LOL!
The Joneses would like two slots at the seminar. Very very funny.
Why are you so funny? You had me at the steak and potatoes hidden away in Audrey's room, LOL. Sign me up too...wait...are you the special parenting expert at Enrichment this week???
Poor Audrey...:0)
OK, you need to put some kind of warning label on a post that funny! After four kids I might not poop everywhere, but I almost wet my pants laughing!!! You two are so evil.....I LOVE IT! That is EXACTLY the kind of thing Josh and I would do, so I guess you are our brand of evil! heh, heh, heh!:D
Oh, the stories I could tell of Josh or I horrifying the children into obedience, HEY we could be your co-lecturers....sounds fun! :D I will bring the refreshments. Perhaps this is the answer to finding a way to pay for college for the kids...I mean the seminar wouldn't be free...would it? :D
I LOVE you guys!!!!!!!
I'm definitely signing up. And it's a good thing that nobody ever told me what happens in a delivery room, while we lay on a table with our legs open to an entire audience. It just took me 5 times to really appreciate the humiliation of it all.
And I really like the name Audrey. Really, really cute.
I am going to keep that technique tucked away for the day when I need it.
i'm pre-registering for my "horrify your child into obedience" class. i have already used the line, "if you pee your pants you can never go back to school" so perhaps there is an intermediate level available? my "kicking your child into submission" class is coming up and i don't want there to be a scheduling conflict. thanks.
How about "humiliation by rolling down your daughter's car window and yelling comments at passing boys, making it look like the pre-teen is doing it" class? Mark is an excellent instructor.
You need to write a book. This is HILARIOUS!
I am just LOVING your blog. Laugh after laugh! Oh, mine is going to be so so boring for you to read. I was so into it that I was late picking up my daughter from school... oh well...
So good to be back with old friends! Not that you're old - not that WE'RE old... whatever.
I had no idea Mike was so imaginative. This one should go in the rule book for parents under "How to scare your child into obediance".
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