I think we thought that once we moved we would quickly know why we came...writing in the sky or something like that. I mean, really, is that so much to ask?
We have a lot; healthy kids, a house to live in that we adore in a place we love, a small part time job, little jobs here and there . We have stayed fairly busy, busy does not mean that the money is rolling in.
Busy means it's enough to survive, barely...and your standards for survival need to be fairly low.
There have been days during these past 3+ years that I thought I would lose my mind. I've been in the dumps more times than I really care to admit. I have wondered if I have something like clinical depression or if life has just beat me up a bit. A few weeks ago I read a blog (my bestie's sister's) where she openly described her clinical depression, but she wasn't describing me--that's not where I'm at. That's not what's going on with me. I can pull myself out of it. It takes time and I have to work at it, but it can be done. So, I'm not clinically depressed- which, in a weird way, kind of made me feel worse...and better. Worse because I then think 'Well, for crying out loud! You shouldn't be this way, snap out of it!'. Better because it's up to me...and that's kind of a bit of pressure.
So, I guess life has just beat me up a bit. That's okay, build's character- right? It's been tough, but I'm no quitter. I'm a hoe to the end of the row kind of farmgirl.
I think I am the queen of epiphany's (I like to think that because the other alternative is that I'm a really slow learner so I have to have all these epiphany's to remind me of things I should already know).
Here's the great epiphany's of late:
-This one came a while back in answer to a question from one of my kiddos. This kiddo was a little frustrated with life at the time.
Why did we move here?
...I seriously don't know why we needed to move here. I don't know. BUT, I do know that we are not here to be miserable. We are not here to fail. There is a plan, and it's not a plan of misery and woe. It is not a plan of loneliness and heartache. It is a plan of happiness and joy. Some times I lose sight of it, but it is the truth.
This next one is the big one, it's taken me a long time to get this. I think I've got it, and then I don't, and then I think I've got it again, and then I don't. But right now...I GET IT.
-There are a lot of things in my life that I CAN'T CHANGE OR FIX. A lot, the list is long. And I know this, I have known this for a long time hence the 'good attitude farmgirl'.
The serenity prayer comes to mind:
God grant me the
serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I do know the difference-- I was accepting it, but I wasn't letting it go. I knew there were all sorts of things that I couldn't change but I was still stewing over it all.
Here's my epiphany:
My way is stupid. My way is kicking and fighting against the dumbest things, my way is doing my best and still worrying myself sick, my way is wondering why my life isn't changing the way I want it to even though I'm really trying. I do things my way and I'm frustrated and discouraged. My way is stupid.
I can't change or fix everything. I can't.
So...I will do all that I can do and I mean ALL that I can do, then I will wash my hands of it and send it off to heaven. And He will take care of the rest. I really am setting it free. Either my circumstances will change or I will be strong enough to continue on.
I'm good with what ever comes, every time I start to freak out I just tell myself
'Do your best. Wash your hands of it, and send it to Heaven'.
I think this is the most freeing epiphany I've ever had. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, I could take a deep breathe.
I don't have to fix it all, more importantly I don't have to worry about fixing it all.
I'm good with what ever comes, every time I start to freak out I just tell myself
'Do your best. Wash your hands of it, and send it to Heaven'.
I think this is the most freeing epiphany I've ever had. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, I could take a deep breathe.
I don't have to fix it all, more importantly I don't have to worry about fixing it all.
'When you come to the edge of all the light you have known,
and are about to step out into darkness,
Faith is knowing one of two things will happen;
there will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.'
I can walk or I can fly, but either way I'll make it.
:o)
:o)
5 comments:
I've often wondered if this idea that we can fix it all or work it all out comes from our Mormon farming community raising. Now I live in a part of the country that has the opposite idea - God will handle it all whether I want him to or not - and I think I need a dose of that kind of faith more often. A combination of both - "Do your best. Then wash your hands of it and send it up to Heaven - seems to be about right. I admire your willingness to share your struggles here and the grace with which you appear to be handling it all. Just know that there are those of us out here jealous of a bit of heaven in Cache Valley and your AWESOME patio and fire pit :)
I actually was just thinking about it being one year since you left. That means it's been two years since we moved in. Wow. And I still get asked (although less and less frequently) why we had to move. I miss you terribly, but I hope you will be happy and healthy in this new adventure. And that you will come visit more often :)
A year.....It's been a long year with out you friend. I hope you know how loved and missed you are missed by me. As always, you are wonderful at making lemonade out of lemons. I always knew you could fly!
When life gives you lemons...throw them at anyone who tells you, you can't.
I've asked myself the why question a lot this year. I still don't have the answer regarding why I felt my husband should volunteer for deployment and why I should have a baby four months into it. My year, like yours, has been hard. I think I assumed that if I did what the Lord told me to, things would flow smoothly and I would be blessed with a perfect life. It hasn't happened. I think you're epiphany is important. Our way is stupid. The Lord will bless you, after all, Nephi managed to get those plates, find his way through the wilderness, and build a boat. I hope you start to see the light sometime soon.
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