Holy Smokes. I can't believe it has been a year since we left St. George. Some times I still can't believe we really left. It seems like forever and it seems like yesterday. No regrets, we knew it was time to leave and we knew this is where we were to go. I've often thought during this last year that it is a really good thing we were so certain this is what we needed to do, because it's been hard at times. Good. Always good, but hard.
I think we thought that once we moved we would quickly know why we came...writing in the sky or something like that. I mean, really, is that so much to ask?
We have a lot; healthy kids, a house to live in that we adore in a place we love, a small part time job, little jobs here and there . We have stayed fairly busy, busy does not mean that the money is rolling in.
Busy means it's enough to survive, barely...and your standards for survival need to be fairly low.
There have been days during these past 3+ years that I thought I would lose my mind. I've been in the dumps more times than I really care to admit. I have wondered if I have something like clinical depression or if life has just beat me up a bit. A few weeks ago I read a blog (my bestie's sister's) where she openly described her clinical depression, but she wasn't describing me--that's not where I'm at. That's not what's going on with me. I can pull myself out of it. It takes time and I have to work at it, but it can be done. So, I'm not clinically depressed- which, in a weird way, kind of made me feel worse...and better. Worse because I then think 'Well, for crying out loud! You shouldn't be this way, snap out of it!'. Better because it's up to me...and that's kind of a bit of pressure.
So, I guess life has just beat me up a bit. That's okay, build's character- right? It's been tough, but I'm no quitter. I'm a hoe to the end of the row kind of farmgirl.
I think I am the queen of epiphany's (I like to think that because the other alternative is that I'm a really slow learner so I have to have all these epiphany's to remind me of things I should already know).
Here's the great epiphany's of late:
-This one came a while back in answer to a question from one of my kiddos. This kiddo was a little frustrated with life at the time.
Why did we move here?
...I seriously don't know why we needed to move here. I don't know.
BUT, I
do know that we are not here to be miserable. We are not here to fail. There is a plan, and it's not a plan of misery and woe. It is not a plan of loneliness and heartache. It is a plan of happiness and joy. Some times I lose sight of it, but it is the truth.
This next one is the big one, it's taken me a long time to get this. I think I've got it, and then I don't, and then I think I've got it again, and then I don't. But right now...I GET IT.
-There are a lot of things in my life that I CAN'T CHANGE OR FIX. A lot, the list is long. And I know this, I have known this for a long time hence the 'good attitude farmgirl'.
The serenity prayer comes to mind:
God grant me the
serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I do know the difference-- I was accepting it, but I wasn't letting it go. I knew there were all sorts of things that I couldn't change but I was still stewing over it all.
Here's my epiphany:
My way is stupid. My way is kicking and fighting against the dumbest things, my way is doing my best and still worrying myself sick, my way is wondering why my life isn't changing the way I want it to even though I'm really trying. I do things my way and I'm frustrated and discouraged. My way is stupid.
I can't change or fix everything. I can't.
So...I will do all that I can do and I mean ALL that I can do, then I will wash my hands of it and send it off to heaven. And He will take care of the rest. I really am setting it free. Either my circumstances will change or I will be strong enough to continue on.
I'm good with what ever comes, every time I start to freak out I just tell myself
'Do your best. Wash your hands of it, and send it to Heaven'.
I think this is the most freeing epiphany I've ever had. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, I could take a deep breathe.
I don't have to fix it all, more importantly I don't have to worry about fixing it all.
'When you come to the edge of all the light you have known,
and are about to step out into darkness,
Faith is knowing one of two things will happen;
there will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.'
I can walk or I can fly, but either way I'll make it.
:o)
